


Your voice

by beeseven



Series: Between the two of us [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: ?? me thinks, M/M, Stalking behavior, Violence, contains spoilers to tlo, youngjae pov from the last one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26481748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeseven/pseuds/beeseven
Summary: “Youngjae-yah, today I was happy… when I was up in there and I looked into your eyes, I was so happy,”Youngjae closes his eyes as he holds his legs to his chest and listens to Jaebeom’s soft voice over and over again. That’s enough.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Series: Between the two of us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925191
Comments: 81
Kudos: 55





	1. lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> \- this yj's pov from ['the last one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25413760/chapters/61632265)
> 
> \- you have to read 'the last one' to understand 'your voice', but you don't have to read 'your voice' to understand 'the last one', makes sense????  
> \- this contains SPOILERS to 'the last one' if you want to wait to find things out through jaebeom don't read this or wait till the end of it to read this one... it's up to you don't feel like u have to read it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20/21 years old youngjae  
> youngjae's pov from chapter 01

The tracking app on Youngjae’s phone is about to collapse, not that it can really do that but the boy has closed and opened it so many times the thing is probably getting tired. He checks it one last time before deciding to go home, he can’t really figure out where Jaebeom was. “Where are you, Ahjussi?” He mumbles to himself and pockets his phone safely on his backpack, but keeps his earphones on. 

Youngjae hates having to listen to all those audio files, so he hasn’t listened to them in the past few days. Now he is trying to catch up to find out where Jaebeom is or at least what he has been doing. He thinks he hears a crying sound which makes the boy feel uneasy. Before Youngjae can open the tracking app again he gets a new text message. 

_ “im ready to trash this shithole” -- Lee Moonbin _

Youngjae rolls his eyes, annoyed but also a bit nervous, Moonbin has been texting him all day long and now he got into his place. Youngjae doesn’t remember telling him he would have any money today, and he really doesn’t have anything. So, the boy has no idea why Moonbin is being so persistent and is even threatening to trash his things. 

He decided to go home a few minutes ago, and now it’s obvious that he really has to go but just the thought of having to deal with the other makes Youngjae want to run and hide. To stay away from him for as long as possible. But that’s not an option. 

Having already paid for his chocolate milk Youngjae stands in front of the convenience store as he watches the rain, since he doesn’t have his umbrella with him he guesses he will have to just accept his fate and get wet. Then the crying sound on his ears gets louder and Youngjae gets even more uncomfortable. 

He gets another text from Moonbin, this time it’s a pic of Youngjae’s stuff thrown on the floor. Everything upside down. Youngjae freaks out when he sees his laptop on the floor not sure if he broke it or not. 

Then he notices the little ‘HBD’ written in the pic. That’s when realization hits him, that’s probably why Bambam has been calling him for the past hours as well. Youngjae will call him back once he gets home and hopefully doesn’t find Moonbin waiting for him. 

So Youngjae puts his backpack on top of his head and goes into the rain. He just needs to walk a few blocks to get to the bus station. Youngjae isn’t sure where his mind is at, maybe at the prospect of losing his laptop, or at the fact that it’s his birthday and he didn’t remember it, or maybe it’s also the fact that he can hear Jaebeom crying and he doesn’t know what happened. Whatever it is, it’s enough to distract the boy and make him run to the other side of the street without looking to the sides. 

All Youngjae sees is a bright light and suddenly a strong impact over him that makes his body fly just to strongly fall to the wet asphalt. He has no idea what is going on but it’s the worst pain he has ever felt in his life. Everything hurts, all his body is in pain and he can’t move his body. His head feels like it was cracked open. Youngjae can’t concentrate on anything but on the urge to run away from this pain, to make it stop. 

Youngjae tries to get out of the ground but it’s too hard his arm seems to be loose and he can’t support his body weight on it. He is freaking out with fear, now he can understand a car hit him but he doesn’t know what happened to his body. 

Someone says something about going to a hospital, Youngjae is able to look but he can’t see much other than lights and a dark silhouette. He tries to shake his head but it proves to hurt a lot to move his head and neck. “I can’t. I have to go,”

But Youngjae can’t do much other than sitting up, anything more than that is too much. The other person gets closer to him, and then Youngjae feels arms around his waist. It’s foreign to feel the warm soft touch on his body, it’s so nice Youngjae almost forgets about all the pain he is in and the cold rain. But not quite because once he gets to his feet everything seems to hurt even more than when he was lying down. 

It’s a while later that Youngjae starts to comprehend what is happening to him. There is no more rain hitting his face and everything is warm. He is inside a car, a moving car. Youngjae turns his head and as dark as it is in the car he is able to recognize the person driving. Seeing Jaebeom by his side, Youngjae is sure he is having a dream. 

Youngjae tries closing his eyes to shake the image away, but Jaebeom doesn’t seem content with it. He lightly puts a finger on Youngjae’s cheeks and tells him to not sleep, to keep his eyes open. 

After that Jaebeom starts talking nonstop. Youngjae should be worried about being in his car, but he can’t bring himself to. So from time to time the boy will say something back to Jaebeom even though he isn’t paying attention to what he is saying. 

Slowly things start to make sense again, but Youngjae is already with a doctor when he fully understands everything that happened to him. It finally hits him that it was really Jaebeom in the car and he was the one who hit him. The Gods are probably trying to punish him. 

Youngjae can’t take all the pills he is given if he wants to leave tonight, not that he knows which one does what but he just takes one pill supposing it will be enough to help him with the pain. Now that he has a plaster cast on it should be enough. 

From then everything passes like a blur, Jaebeom comes to the room and he talks to the doctor. He looks so scared it’s almost funny. The only thing Youngjae really pays attention to is when the older man gives him a bottle of chocolate milk. It’s probably not the one he got earlier and it’s a little weird to him that Jaebeom would get him a new one but he ignores it. He ignores everything altogether. 

All Youngjae does is wait ‘till Jaebeom leaves so he can leave as well. It’s hard to think about anything other than the pain in his arm and head. On his way back home Youngjae barely notices where he really is. And it’s just one hour after he left the hospital that he got home. Everything is trashed even worse than in the picture Moonbin sent him. But at least he isn’t there anymore.

Youngjae ignores the mess in order to strip, which takes a while, and getting on his mattress. He will worry about fixing everything and even checking on his laptop in the morning. Now, Youngjae is happy that at least his phone isn’t broken. There are a ton of texts from Moonbin that he deletes without reading. 

The boy lies with his phone by his side almost glued to his ear, hack app running. He lost his earphones but it doesn’t matter now. Youngjae can’t hear much other than eventual soft snores before he falls asleep.


	2. Not all the way lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8 yo youngjae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is no jaebeom sorry  
> .... not me saying this when youngjae is a kid lol obvs no jaebeom   
> it's just a little youngjae background :DD  
> i'll put his age in every chapter even if it's in the present so it's easier for me (us???)

Even if Youngjae tried to sleep he wouldn’t be able to. He decided to wait ‘till his father got home so he kept his eyes fixed at the door, and every time he would close his them even for a second some strange sound would awaken the boy. Youngjae was terrified to be alone at the small house, everything was so dark it made him want to run and hide under the bed. 

He was also hungry since he couldn’t find anything in the kitchen other than half a glass of milk, but that was when he got home from school, and now it was past midnight. At least Youngjae thought it was, he wasn’t too good with the analog clock, so he could only guess. Youngjae was getting anxious as he heard the loud tick-tock over and over again. 

Then the boy heard someone at the door, he was torn between running to the bathroom or getting something to defend himself from whoever was trying to get inside. But before Youngjae could make his decision the door was opened and he could see his sister getting inside. Youngjae breathed relieved that it wasn’t a thief but not so relieved since it wasn’t his dad. 

“What are you doing up?” Youngmin asked, looking at his frightened face, but she didn’t look like she actually cared for the reply. His sister always stayed out late, Youngjae has heard too many arguments between her and his father but she did whatever she wanted to. “Go to bed, brat, if you don’t wake up in the morning I’ll drag you to school by your foot,”

“Dad still hasn’t got home,” Youngjae mumbles, holding his tears in. It wasn’t usual for his dad to not come home straight from work, and if he ever did he would tell Youngjae the night prior. But even when he had other things to do it would never take the man this long to come back. “I haven’t seen him since last night,”

Youngmin rolls her eyes, she hates it when Youngjae cries, saying he is too dramatic and behaves as if he was a baby. She probably can hear how hard he is trying to not cry, “he is probably with some lady friend, this is a thing for men, you know?” 

Youngjae shakes his head vehement, “no, he isn’t!”

“And why not? God, Youngjae, just go to bed. I won’t say it again,” Youngmin heads to the bathroom to take a shower before bed. 

Youngjae is still worried and scared but now that his sister is home and she isn’t so worried the boy feels a little less at the edge. It was scarier before because he felt like he was all alone, but if Youngmin is there and she says nothing happened to their dad so nothing happened. 

Either way, Youngjae is really scared to sleep alone, just like before every sound he hears scares him to death. Youngjae would sleep with his dad on nights like this, but never with Youngmin, he knows she will never allow him to sleep with her. So, Youngjae endures the fear and closes his eyes tightly, singing himself a lullaby to block any other sound, ‘till he falls asleep. 

In the morning his sister makes them eggs that for sure weren’t there the previous day. Youngjae is more than happy to eat everything on his plate before going to school. He can barely pay attention in class, Youngjae just wants to go home and wait for his dad, he doesn’t care about what his teacher is saying. 

And that’s exactly what Youngjae does, his sister gives him money to buy ramyun and that’s what the boy has for lunch. As usual, she doesn’t go home with him, Youngjae doesn’t even care he just keeps looking at the clock all day. Even though Youngjae isn’t good with this type of clock he has learned that his father would get home when it was close to hitting 7. That night though, the big clock hand was almost hitting 9 and again his father didn’t show up. 

This time Youngjae wasn’t able to hold his tears, he cried in his bed hitting his feet on the mattress strongly ‘till he got so tired from it that he fell asleep. The next time Youngjae opened his eyes was when his sister got home again. Youngjae ran to her to let the girl know their father didn’t show up yet again. 

“We need to tell the police,” Youngjae has thought it over before he started crying, he has seen it on dramas. When someone disappears their family tells the police and they find the person. Sometimes they don’t though, Youngjae is afraid of that. “Let’s go now, Noona,”

Youngjae tries to pull his sister by the hand but she brushes him off, “what do you think will happen if we tell the police that our father disappeared and we are two minors living without an adult?” Youngjae doesn’t know what will happen, he tries to ask but she stops him. “We are not going to the police,”

“But--” Youngjae feels tears filling his eyes again, going to the police was his only hope. 

“We are not doing that, Youngjae!” Youngmin stares at the kitchen sink for a long time without saying anything. Youngjae hopes she will change her mind, but she doesn’t. “I’ll ask around tomorrow, and you stop crying like a baby, it’s getting on my nerves.”

Her words don’t bring Youngjae any peace, and since he napped earlier he can’t fall asleep so easily no matter how many different lullabies Youngjae sings to himself. The boy sleeps just a few hours before his sister is waking him up to go to school. Youngmin lets him know that she won’t be going to school since she will look for their father, Youngjae wants to help but she says he will just get in the way. 

Even though Youngjae is sure his dad is alright because he has to be, he can’t help feeling anxious and scared. When he gets home from school and he sees Youngmin, Youngjae doesn’t know if he should be relieved or not. 

“He is not coming back,” she says simply before Youngjae can even drop his backpack. Youngjae freezes at the door looking at her and not knowing what to do or say. “Apparently he sold this house to Mr. Lee, and flew with the money. So, if I were you I’d stop crying for a man that clearly doesn’t care about you,”

But Youngjae is already crying, he is sobbing desperately, “liar! He didn’t do it!” Youngjae wants to yell but the words come out messy because of his tears. Mr. Lee is a loan shark and he is really scary, his dad wouldn’t sell their hour to that man.

“You are not angrier than me, alright? I’m the one left with you and we are fucking fucked, so I hope that you cry out of desperation not because you miss that jerk,” and she really sounds angry. She doesn’t sound sad or afraid, she just sounds angry at their father and at Youngjae, she spits the words at him, and then she goes to her room slamming the door shut. 

Youngjae knocks and yells at her door, trying to get her to talk to him to tell him more of what she knows but she has loud rock music playing. The boy cries his eyes out ‘till he decides to do something himself. Youngjae takes a bottle of water from the fridge and packs it on his backpack. 

He will find his father no matter how far Youngjae has to go, he will do a better job than Youngmin.

Youngjae runs before his sister can stop him, not that he thinks she would care but he doesn’t want to hear anything from her. While Youngjae looks for his father he can keep himself from crying, he has hope he will find the man at any moment. But soon it gets dark and the moon quickly is brightening up the night. Youngjae is cold and scared, he sits at the curb and hugs himself with his small arms. 

The boy cries once again, he wants to yell for his dad so maybe he will hear it and come back home. Youngjae is lonelier than ever now. Even though he knows he ruined his father’s life when he was born he thought the man loved him, he always treated Youngjae and his sister with so much care. But now he has left, he has left Youngjae behind, he was left with his sister that hated Youngjae for even existing. She hates him and now Youngjae has no one left in this world. 

He tries to make his way back home but Youngjae is so tired from all the walking he did and from how hard he cried that he has to rest a little on the swing of the playground on his way home. At first, Youngjae just wants to rest but then he starts propelling his body back and forth ‘till he is swinging all the way. Youngjae laughs by himself too amused to be there, he never got to play like this. 

And since it was so late he thought there would be no other kid around, but then he sees another boy that looks his age. Youngjae wants to leave but when the boy notices him as well he runs to Youngjae and almost begs for him to go on the seesaw with him. Not that he would have to beg. 

They play together for hours, and they laugh a lot as well. Unfortunately, the other boy eventually needs to go home but when Youngjae says he can’t go home himself he decides to stay with him. It’s not that Youngjae can’t go home, but he doesn’t want to go back to being sad and lonely. He wants to stay here with Moonbin.

Youngjae is just so happy when Moonbin takes his hands and they go to the tunnel together. It’s a bit stuffy but Youngjae has never been so happy to share a small place with someone else. It’s the first time someone stays behind because of him. And Youngjae won’t need to sleep alone, now he has a friend. Lee Moonbin will be his best friend in the world. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. writing things i have in my minds so i pretend im not super depressed ;DDD


	3. A good person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21 years-old youngae, pov from chap 03

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw added a stalking behavior tag bc well ..

“Is it really okay if he stays with you?” Youngmin seems worried as she restlessly looks over at Minho who is already pretty comfortable on Youngjae’s mattress. “Maybe I can try talking to Mrs. Kang...”

“It’s fine, my boss is a nice person,” Youngjae mumbles even though he doesn’t plan on talking to Jaebeom. He averts his attention back to his phone so he doesn’t have to look at her. 

His sister showed up an hour ago asking him to take care of her son since he was sick and couldn’t be near other kids, so staying with the lady that watched him would be impossible and Youngmin had to work two jobs. Youngjae didn’t mind, sure it would be better if Minho stayed with someone else, but he can’t trust the kid to be in a place where Moonbin could be near him. 

If the man gets easily into Youngjae’s place it would be even easier for him to get into an old lady’s house. At least here Youngjae could do something to protect his nephew. Moonbin always uses the debt Youngjae and his sister have with him to threaten him, he never did anything to Youngmin or to Minho but he always says that one day he will give Youngjae a surprise. 

The boy endures everything by himself, even though his sister is in as much debt as him, he is okay being the only one getting hurt. Youngjae really isn’t so worried about himself, he is just doing everything he can to pay Moonbin so he will be free from him and he can be sure nothing will ever happen to his nephew and his sister. 

Youngjae doesn’t spend a lot of time with his family, at least with what is left of it. He and his sister have too many issues between them that they will never talk about, and Youngjae doesn’t feel comfortable visiting her. It’s really rare for him to see Minho the last time was when he broke his arm, and even though he doesn’t have a lot of practice or acknowledgement about kids, Youngjae pays close attention to what his sister is doing when taking care of the boy. 

Since it’s late Youngmin has to sleep over, she shares the mattress with Minho while Youngjae just lies on the floor. He makes sure to be as distant from them as possible in the little space left for him. It’s terribly uncomfortable, Youngjae never thought lying down to sleep could be so awkward. He keeps hearing Youngmin talking to Minho and the boy’s sick self barely replying. She sounds so sweet, truly like a mother. Youngjae wishes he knew how it feels like to have a mom that cares so much about you. 

He does his best to ignore them. He should be listening to Hyunjae tonight, Youngjae hasn’t been paying attention to whatever that old man is doing. But he is too boring, and either way, Youngjae already has too much information on him. The man is a disgusting piece of shit and what Youngjae has on him should be more than enough to even send him to jail. 

So, it’s only natural that he switches to Jaebeom. Mark has been giving the boy too much shit about how they’ve hacked Jaebeom months ago but still didn’t get anything on him. So, really it’s just Youngjae doing his job by trying to get something from his boss. But it was too hard, Jaebeom was a good person, too good of a person. His life is also super boring, Youngjae won’t pretend it isn’t, and it’s not even just boring it is also sad. 

Some days Youngjae won’t have anything to hear because Jaebeom just doesn’t have anyone to talk to. All Youngjae sees is his texts and emails, but it’s always work-related and he is never doing anything wrong. The only reason why Youngjae prefers listening to him it’s because he is not an asshole, and also his voice is pretty calming. It soothes Youngjae even on his worst days. 

Unfortunately, again he isn’t doing or saying anything. Youngjae can’t even hear a TV in the background. He wonders if the man just stays in a dark room doing nothing. And usually, Youngjae would listen even to the man’s breathing, but today it won’t cut it. He needs something to distract himself from what is happening in his place right now. 

So, he listens to what Jaebeom did throughout the day. All the conversations he had in the office, even when he was at the coffee shop ordering the same sandwich he usually gets for Youngjae. It makes him smile. Youngjae also listens to the call between Jaebeom and his daughter, he doesn’t like listening to something so personal so usually, he will skip things like that. He only does it now because he doesn’t have a lot to listen to, it’s not a good enough of an excuse, but Youngjae just wants to listen to his voice. 

They don’t say anything relevant but still, it makes Youngjae feel so creepy. It’s not like this is the first time Youngae is listening to something he shouldn’t, but this one feels wrong no matter how much he enjoys Jaebeom’s soft side. So, when he is sure Minho slept and he won’t listen to anything anymore, Youngjae tunes in with present Jaebeom. He doesn’t know if the man is asleep, he can only hear the soft breathing, and that is not part of his work, but Youngjae will listen to it to sleep anyway.

In the morning his sister goes to work and the atmosphere is way better. Sure, Minho is sick and Youngjae has no idea how to deal with him but at least the kid is the only one he has to be with. It’s not hard since Minho will just watch TV and not say a single word, but it’s not easy either because Youngjae can’t stop worrying and checking his temperature every other minute. Nothing changes, but when he takes a shower he seems to be a little better. The bad thing is that he doesn’t want to take a shower a bunch of times throughout the day, Youngjae suggested it. 

Youngjae wonders if he should just take the kid to the hospital, but his sister said it was normal and they should only do it if he gets worse. That night Youngmin sleeps over again, Youngjae was too naive to think she had spent the night just because it was late, obviously she needs to be there with her son. At least she gets there pretty late, and Youngjae is super tired from watching over a sick kid to stay awake. 

The next day Youngjae decides he will take Minho to see a doctor no matter what. He remembers being sick and not telling his sister, she wouldn’t care anyway, but it would take ages to go away and he would just be too scared. Even though Minho is being taken care of and he doesn’t look as bad as he did the previous day, Youngjae needs to do something to make it go away soon. He also needs his place back to himself. 

So, he dresses Minho up and takes him to the hospital, which is too damn hard since he has to carry the boy all the way down the stairs. Youngjae ends up paying for a taxi to the hospital, there is no way he is going to take the bus with a sick kid. 

They don’t spend too much time at the hospital. Turns out it was really just a cold but still Minho needs medicine. The doctor prescribes a lot of things, Youngjae wonders if that’s the reason why his sister said they should just go to a hospital if things got worse. He feels a knot at his throat thinking about that. It’s not like Youngjae has a lot of money to spare either, he buys the cheapest food he can find in order to not spend a lot and have at least something to give to Moonbin every month. 

When his sister finds out about them seeing a doctor she doesn’t scold Youngjae like he thought she would. She even thanks him, and she assures she will find a way to get some money by the next day, but Youngjae can’t wait for it. He worries all day, but it’s really stupid, he can see Minho is doing better but not good enough, he is being really picky about his food and will only drink chocolate milk. Youngjae has had enough of it. 

He is worried about leaving Minho alone but it will be just a few minutes. Youngjae knows the boy is barely getting out of bed but still, he makes sure there's nothing in his reach that would hurt him. Youngjae even prays that Moonbin won’t show up while he is gone. And just like he thought getting all the medicine is expensive as fuck. Youngjae has no choice though, he needs Minho to eat normally and to feel better soon. 

Youngjae walks quickly back to his place, and when he sees Jaebeom standing at his door he can’t really say he was surprised. Sure, Youngjae didn’t have time to hear everything he did in the past days and he didn’t know the man would go there. But knowing him and the way he worries, it was a matter of time for him to come looking for Youngjae. 

For some reason it makes the boy annoyed. He takes comfort in the man, yeah, but silently and he doesn’t feel like having him there when everything around Youngjae is making him feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t want Jaebeom to be here and to be nice to him, Youngjae doesn’t even feel like he deserves it. 

He lets Jaebeom in because he is not about to tell him to leave, also he needs to explain to the man why he hasn’t shown up to work in three days. Of course, Youngjae worries about being fired, he needs the money to survive and to get his freedom. He knows Mark would try to keep him at the company but he doesn’t want to make things complicated for himself. 

As Jaebeom stays there awkwardly making questions, Youngjae tries to make things uncomfortable for him so he will leave. But it hits him that even though Jaebeom is clearly uncomfortable there this is not as weird as it is with his own sister. It should be worse but yet it’s not bad at all for Youngjae to have Jaebeom around, maybe it is because he knows everything about the man and he somehow feels like they are close because of that. But really, it isn’t so bad. 

What is awful is the way Jaebeom is just too nice, telling Youngjae he won’t lose his job and that he can always go to him if he needs something. Of course, it’s easy for Jaebeom to be this caring and this empathetic towards Youngjae. His life is boring, but he is rich, he doesn’t have to worry about a thing, for people like him it is easy to feel sorry for others and to be nice. It’s starting to make Youngjae really annoyed. 

“Anyway, if he needs anything let me know,” Jaebeom points at Minho and gives Youngjae a tight smile. The boy just nods, hoping that will be the last of it. “You are a good person, Youngjae-ssi,”

That he says out of nowhere, his face so open and so sincere. Youngjae doesn’t know what to do with himself, he wasn’t expecting that, he doesn’t even know why Jaebeom would say something like that. Youngjae can be everything but he is not a good person. And he never heard it from anyone, ever. No one ever thought of him as a good person and that’s okay with Youngjae, he doesn’t feel like he deserves it anyway. 

He really doesn’t deserve to be seen as a good person by the man he spies on. Even though Youngjae can’t accept his words it’s all he can think about even after Jaebeom leaves. 

Youngjae takes care of Minho and he can see as the boy starts getting better, he feels guilty about not getting the medicine before but at least it wasn’t too late either. Taking care of a kid is distracting, but when Minho falls asleep Youngjae is left with his thoughts once again. 

Just because Jaebeom thinks he is a good person doesn’t make it real, but the man thinking about Youngjae like that is a first and it doesn’t take much for the boy to realize it makes him happy. Everything Youngjae does, and everything he is trying to do, it makes him feel so ugly and so bad about himself. If someone can see him in a good way, even if they are wrong about it, it makes him the happiest he ever remembers being. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this might now seem that important but for me it was, even when i wrote it on jaebeom's pov it was all about youngjae's feelings;;;  
> \- this so heavily inspired by 'my ahjussi' like ofc it is but this scene/feeling in general, just clarifying  
> \- also you guys i love youngjae too much in this god i sad


	4. Hell until it ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 years old youngjae  
> also tw violence (me thinks)

For years this has been the day Youngjae anticipated the most, he wanted to be free from this place more than anything. But now that he was out of that building he spent the past six years at he had no idea what to do with himself. He was all alone but that was no news for Youngjae, he wasn’t foreign to the feeling of loneliness he knew that too well but being outside, in the real world and alone again was scary. 

He had the money they would give every orphan once they turn eighteen, even though Youngjae technically wasn’t an orphan he was treated like one. He knew it was impossible for him to rent any place with that money, no one would lease a place to someone like him, and if he spent the money on housing he would have nothing left to eat. 

Youngjae thought about it deeply for months before his release date, he didn’t have the perfect plan. He would go straight up looking for jobs, it was his only chance to survive, he knew he wouldn’t live off the money they gave him. He was able to walk for two blocks observing his surroundings before he felt someone pulling his arm. It wasn’t kind in any way, it almost threw Youngjae to the ground. 

His first thought was that he was about to be robbed, maybe that would be better than having Moonbin holding him for dear life. Youngjae could try to escape but it would be no use, he had no strength in his body and he doubted he could even shake off the other’s hold. 

“Where you off to?” Moonbin’s voice was soft, nothing like the last time Youngjae saw him, but exactly the way it sounded before everything went to shit. Of course, now it was a man’s voice not a kid’s, but he sounded harmless and even sweet. It was even scarier for Youngjae, that and the fact that Moonbin had grown taller. He was so much taller than Youngjae, he couldn’t help but feel like it was over for him. 

“I-- I’m just gonna…” Youngjae didn’t have anywhere to go, but even if he did he wouldn’t tell Moonbin. He tried to smoothly free his arm but it was in vain, the hold just got stronger. 

“Thought I’d see your sister here, crazy to see her little brother free and ready to start his new life. Would be kissing and hugging you, taking you home with her, but you were left all alone, weren’t you?” Moonbin pulled Youngjae even closer, looking down at him and the boy supposed he meant to sound sorry but he just sounded like he was having the time of his life. “That bitch didn’t deserve what you did for her, Youngjae-yah,”

“I won’t be in your way, just let me go,” Youngjae mumbled scared. They were in a busy street, people could see them so he didn’t think Moonbin would actually attack him there, but he was scared senseless. “I-- sorry, just let me go,”

“I can’t let you go. When my father died I became the one responsible for you and your sister, how can I just let you go?” Now Moonbin’s voice was raspier and threatening the way Youngjae thought it should be since the start. “I have a nice place for you, near your old house. You gonna like it,”

“No, I don’t need your help,” not that Youngjae thought he was trying to help him. But he didn’t know how to get away from Moonbin, running was not going to do it. 

“Listen,” Moonbin turned Youngjae so they were side to side and he could put his arm around Youngjae’s shoulders. They started walking like that, it was terribly uncomfortable, “I missed you so much. I fixed a place just for you, my best friend. It’s one of my single rooms, a place where I have total access. We gonna be so close, whenever I feel like seeing you all I’ll have to do is come to you,”

That was enough to make Youngjae’s fear kick in and his body to react, act on impulse. He wasn’t going to play the helpless victim so he pushed Moonbin off as hard as he could manage, making him fall down. “Stay away from me, you fucking psycho,” 

Then Youngjae ran, he ran like he never did before. His backpack wasn’t even a problem since he didn’t have a lot in it to weigh him down, but it didn’t matter. He was like a prey walking into the predator’s trap. Youngjae found himself in a blind alley with no one around, he couldn’t turn away and try to escape again, he felt Moonbin’s strong body press him against a wall way too soon. 

“That wasn’t fun, wanna try again? Make it harder for me?” The boy chuckled in his ear, it just infuriated Youngjae more. He thought he was free, for a few minutes he thought he would finally be free, but that was far from reality. 

He elbowed Moonbin’s stomach and even though it didn’t get him free he was satisfied with the pained grunt it earned him. Moonbin turned him around and before Youngjae could understand what was going on he felt the pain hitting his jaw again and again. He was being punched, just in the face, but it was like his entire body felt it, Youngjae wanted to fall down and to curl into a ball but the other boy wouldn’t let him. 

“After everything you did, everything you took away from me, you think you get to decide what you do with your life? You don’t even have a life, it belongs to me now,” he yelled the words, spitting on Youngjae’s face. Then a punch to his stomach. Youngjae was almost grateful that it hit a different place this time. “All these years I fantasied about killing your sister or your nephew, or both. But it’d be useless when you don’t care for anyone but yourself, you piece of shit,”

Youngjae nodded, he wanted to agree that yeah he didn’t care for anyone, that Moonbin should just leave them alone but he couldn’t say anything. He wasn’t even sure if he did really nod. The punches stopped coming but the pain was still terrible, everywhere. 

“You killed my father, I should kill  _ you _ . Now, should I kill you now, Youngjae-yah?” This time Youngjae is sure he nods, he doesn’t care. If that’s how he is going to live out here he would rather it ends already. “You owe me too much, killing you would be a favor for you not for me, you need to live,” 

Youngjae doesn’t know what he means, he knows Mr. Lee let him and his sister live without paying rent for years, he doesn’t know what happened after he was sent away. He can imagine that’s the money Moonbin is talking about, but he knows money is not what really matters here. Not when Youngjae was responsible for Mr. Lee’s death in prison, he knows Moonbin will take much more than money from him. 

And he thinks Moonbin keeps swearing at him but he can’t keep up with it anymore. He closes his eyes at some point and the next thing he can recall is waking up in a dark room. Youngjae freaks out for a minute, thinking he might be in a basement locked for life. But soon enough he hears Moonbin’s laugh and the light is turned on. He was just staring at Youngjae like a creep.

“You look pathetic with this look on your face, man up,” Moonbin is smoking but Youngjae pays him no mind, he looks around and it’s not a basement. It’s just a single room with some furniture, de wants to get up and check if he is locked there but it’s impossible to move. His shirt is all red with dried blood and everything hurts, moving it’s not an option right now. 

“Where are we?” Each word leaves Youngjae’s mouth slowly and even talking hurts, like a thousand needles being strung into his face. “What--”

Youngjae really needs to know if he is stuck here, and Moonbin seems to know that’s what he fears. They have known each other for too long, he knows Youngjae way too well, knows what scares him the most, and knows what he has to do to make his life hell. 

“This is where you’re going to live from now on,” Moonbin starts and that’s what Youngjae was more scared of. He doesn’t know how but he is able to sit up on the mattress he’s been lying, but he can’t do much more than that. “Really, I told you to man up. You are able to kill a man but this will scare you? This place is mine so you gonna have to pay to live here, I expect payment for all your debt. You know you are up to like 80 million won or so now,”

Youngjae’s stomach hurts at his attempt to laugher, he will never be able to pay this amount of money. No matter how many more lives he has, that’s just impossible. 

“And while you are in debt, everything here belongs to me.  _ Everything, _ ” Moonbin says at last. Youngjae knows everything here belongs to him. But when he empathizes that he is sure Moonbin means Youngjae belongs to him as well. 

They don’t say anything else, Youngjae because he can’t manage and Moonbin probably because he doesn’t care to scare Youngjae even more. So he leaves soon after that without another word, slamming the door shut. Youngjae can see the key in the door but still, he crawls to the door to make sure it isn’t locked. 

When he is sure it isn’t he locks it himself. Which probably wasn’t necessary, he knows Moonbin can get here whenever he wants. And he probably will. 

Youngjae is scared and in pain, he would cry if he had the strength to do so, but he doesn’t. He can’t cry and he can’t even bring himself back to the mattress. He lies on the cold floor feeling terrified, every little noise makes his body jump. It’s just like when he was a kid all alone, everything was scary and he was all alone having to sing himself to sleep. 

Tonight Youngjae can’t sing himself a lullaby though, he can’t move his lips right. And even if he tried to he believes it wouldn’t be enough to make him sleep. He passes out from the pain, it’s not a peaceful night of sleep. He doesn’t dream of anything, and it’s like that for days. He believes it will be like that forever. ‘Till it ends. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- im having such a hard time right now, like ... idk but i will probably write a new chapter soon in order to distract myself  
> \- anyway that was necessary to explain youngjae and moonbins relationship... i plan on write whipped (???) youngjae some time soon lol yeah ..


	5. The night you will fall in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21 years old Youngjae - pov from chap 3 (again)

Youngjae was busy switching between Hyunjae and Mark’s audios while Bambam listened to Jaebeom. The boy would always focus on the other two men when his friend was around to help him with something. He didn’t know why but for some reason Youngjae didn’t want Bambam to notice the way he seemed to care a little too much about Jaebeom. Of course, listening to Mark wasn’t part of his job but Bambam told him right from the beginning that he should have something on the man as well. Just to be safe.

And Youngjae really preferred listening to him, he wasn’t his number one but anything beat Hyunjae. Sunday nights usually weren’t eventful for Jaebeom, so Youngjae didn’t mind not being able to listen to him that night. If he wasn’t with his parents he would probably be at home working, which Youngjae could go over in a few minutes the next day. 

As for Mark, he was always with his family on Sundays and played the perfect husband. At least once a week he was good to do so, Youngjae thought to himself. Hyunjae was the only one unpredictable, yet Youngjae didn’t care for what he was doing so he just pretended, doing his best to not just tune in with Jaebeom. 

Bambam laughed at something and Youngjae could only guess he was doing something else instead of listening to Jaebeom. “Hey, focus on what he is doing even if it’s… nothing,” he was about to say even if it’s just breathing but that would sound weird to his friend. 

“But I am,” Bambam says still with a smile on his face. “It’s just that tonight is this Ahjussi date and his friend texted him, I could hear him huffing exasperated. I don’t know why it’s so funny, but his attitude… dude is not getting laid tonight, bet?” 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Youngjae takes off his earphones so he can be free from the annoying voice of Mark’s wife for a second and understand what in the hell is Bambam on about. “What date? What are you doing? You are supposed to listen to Mr. Lim, remember?” 

“Yes? And I am,” Bambam looks at him waiting for Youngjae to just get what he is saying but when the boy just looks back clueless something seems to click in. “Oh, right, he agreed to go on a date with some chick, I heard it the other night when you were busy, guess I forgot to tell you,”

“He is on a date?” Youngjae asks but he isn’t paying attention to Bambam anymore. He puts his earphones back in but changes it to Jaebeom’s folder quickly. And sure enough, he is already talking to someone, a woman. He looks over at Bambam who is smiling as if this is cute or funny in any way, it isn’t. 

The woman is also very annoying, she sounds sweet and doesn't do anything but she is annoying for Youngjae. He listens to their conversation for about two minutes ‘till he can’t take it anymore. 

“Hey, Bammie, I think we are good here. None of them is doing anything interesting, so I don’t think we need to keep listening in,” Youngjae tries to sound nonchalant and he thinks he succeeds, Bambam has known him for a while but the older boy was good at hiding his emotions and intentions. “So, it’s okay if you want to leave,”

“No, dude we are always up these old men asses let’s do something fun tonight, we can go--” Bambam already is shoving his notebook over Youngjae’s mattress and it’s kinda cute that he is excited. He is Youngjae’s only friend and it’s not a lie, he is always helping him with this spying thing but Youngjae can’t tonight. He doesn’t know why he feels the urge to hear everything Jaebeom is doing here alone, just him, no Bambam. 

“I’m so tired, bro. But, why don’t you use the time to go to that cafe with the cute barista you talked about the other day,” Youngjae wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and it does the trick, even though Bambam always plays shamelessly, the boy knows exactly what can make him embarrassed. 

Bambam tries to change his mind probably because he is too shy to go to the cafe and not because he wants to hang out with Youngjae that much. But the older boy almost pushes him out of his place, he is wasting too much time here not knowing what his Ahjussi is up to. 

As soon as Bambam is out of the door Youngjae is jumping back on his mattress and getting his phone. Jaebeom and the woman are still talking, they are not drinking or eating anything yet, Youngjae doesn’t understand why they are taking so long. Maybe that’s how dates are supposed to go, he guesses. 

When it’s the two of them going out all they do is eat though, even if they talk is never a lot and Youngjae is always eager to order. He feels weird thinking about it. About how he always eats with Jaebeom and now he is eating, or better not eating just yet, with some woman. It’s a weird feeling Youngjae has in his chest and he almost stops listening to it, regretting not having accepted Bambam’s offer to hang out. 

But then he notices how Jaebeom barely speaks, it’s mostly his date doing all the talk and the man even sounds pained when he has to say anything. Youngjae laughs at that, “serves him right,” he says to himself, enjoying it way too much. 

His joy doesn’t last too long though, they talk about stuff Youngjae doesn’t understand or care about but the woman, Arin, he learned, also asks a lot of personal questions to Jaebeom. About his romantic life, all in a subtle way but it’s obvious that she is trying to make a move on him. Of course she is, Youngjae thinks bitterly, who wouldn’t when the other man looks the way he does. 

And it’s not because Youngjae is jealous that he changes quickly onto the nicest clothes he can find on his clothes rack, it really isn’t. It’s just that Jaebeom is trying to change topics every time it gets too personal and Youngjae is sorry for him. That’s all. He is nice to Youngjae, really, really nice, and it’s no trouble if the boy tries to be nice to him this once. Considering everything he is doing, Youngjae thinks it’s his duty to do something for him. 

Youngjae pays for a taxi, he would never get to the damn restaurant in time if he didn’t. He listens to them all the way, it’s almost like a podcast. Jaebeom struggling to eat the eggplant lasagna they ordered is making Youngjae have to hold his laugh so hard. It’s also funny to him that he can pick on how much Jaebeom is hating the food even over the phone but Arin can’t even though she is with him. 

Once he gets to the restaurant Youngjae stands there questioning his decision. It’s not like Jaebeom really needs his help, he can get away from his date all by himself if he wants. The question is that if he doesn’t want to do that he will probably leave with her and that’s what Youngjae doesn’t want. He feels like an ass because of that, Jaebeom’s life is pretty dull and he deserves to have nice things. But Youngjae doesn’t want him to be with this woman, he just doesn’t. 

Maybe it is his selfish persona, maybe it’s just like everyone says that he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. That was his chance to actually care about Jaebeom, but Youngjae is so lonely, he wants the man to be with him. To be alone with him. That’s it. 

So he gets inside and describes Jaebeom to the waiter, the man kindly tells Youngjae where he is sitting but the boy declines when he wants to show him the way. He doesn’t have to pretend to be lost since the man hasn’t seen him, he goes straight to his table.

“Ahjussi!” Youngjae says loudly, getting a few pointed looks. “Can I joy you guys? My friend stood me up,” he says with a smile on his face. Arin looks like he is an alien, or better a demon that came to destroy her night. She is right about that even though she doesn’t know it yet. Youngjae almost feels bad for her but the look on Jaebeom’s face is priceless. He wants to surprise him more times so he can see it again, it’s kinda cute, mostly funny but also cute. 

He didn’t have a plan coming there, he didn’t know exactly what he was going to do, Youngjae only knew he would be a brat. Before Jaebeom could say anything he was already introducing himself and saying the first thing he imagined could make this all go downhill pretty quickly. Obviously, Arin was very passionate about healthy stuff and being political about food. Youngjae never met someone like her, but he supposed he could make her hate Jaebeom just fine. 

First, he paints Jaebeom like a carnivorous ogre, it’s not that hard and the face Arin keeps making almost makes Youngjae laugh and ruin his plan. He knows that won’t be enough though, so he goes for what he supposes will turn off any woman. Saying a guy sleeps around a lot and can’t commit to anyone. That’s what does it. Youngjae can see the disappointed look on her face, but he is too scared to look at Jaebeom and see the same. So he doesn’t look at him. 

He is trying to play it cool, he was successful in making her leave but it didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous about what would happen next. Youngjae didn’t want Jaebeom to leave with her or worse or to start something serious with Arin, but he didn’t think that maybe it would ruin their sort of friendship. 

“What the hell was that, Youngjae,” it’s the first time Jaebeom talks to him like that. He doesn’t care for the swearing just for the lack of politeness, even though the man is obviously angry Youngjae likes it. 

They talk casually, Youngjae is so surprised when Jaebeom doesn’t tell him to go away. Yes, he scolds the boy for being rude but he isn’t so mad, so maybe he wasn’t so into the woman as Youngjae feared. 

When they leave the restaurant Youngjae is already over the anxiety, it’s clear that Jaebeom won’t be kicking him out of his life because of his childish act. So he decides to be even more childish and ask for food. The restaurant he chooses seems way better than the other one, just by its entrance Youngjae can notice they have delicious food. 

The place is different from everything Youngjae has ever seen, at least in real life. He has seen places like this on TV but not even the places he went with Jaebeom previously were like this. Youngjae doesn’t know what’s so different, maybe it’s because it is fancier or maybe it is giving people a great sensation of coziness. He doesn’t know what it is, but he really loves the restaurant. 

He loves the food even more, but what he really loves is to tease Jaebeom, seeing the man eating like he was starving even though he has been eating just a few minutes ago just makes it too easy for him. They don’t take a lot of time to order like Jaebeom did with Arin, Youngjae notices that. Not like a date then, he makes a mental note, but that’s not what he wanted anyway. 

What Youngjae wanted was to be the person Jaebeom eats with, he wanted it to be him not anyone else. And he is just so happy, he didn’t even know he cared about silly things like this. And at least Jaebeom also seems to be happy, he is smiling at Youngjae, smiling a lot. 

“Oh? I thought it was just a thing between the two of us,” Jaebeom says with a small pout when Youngjae affirms once again that he was waiting for a friend at the restaurant so they could eat together. But in less than a second, his face becomes worried, as if he did something wrong. Youngjae thinks it’s funny that he gets worked up over something like this. 

“It’s just a friend’s thing. Don’t think I let just about anyone buy me food, Ahjussi,” Youngjae says defiant, as they lock eyes. And he really doesn’t know what comes into him but it’s like they are playing and Youngjae really just plays to win. He knows he is being flirtatious but he doesn’t care, he likes the reactions he is getting. The rose cheeks accompanied by the will to avert his eyes but being incapable of. Youngjae likes it. 

But as if it wasn’t that hard in the first place Jaebeom is able to avert his eyes and to look down at his food. He doesn’t comment on what Youngjae just said and they don’t talk anymore. They went from teasing to complete silence. He doesn’t mind it because somehow they managed to not make silence a weird thing between them, but he wishes they would have talked for the rest of the night. They didn’t have to flirt, Youngjae just wanted to keep listening to him. 

Their night goes by like it usually does between them after that. When Jaebeom drives him home he sleeps all the way not being able to keep his eyes open any longer. Youngjae is a bit tense on their way up to his room, he wonders if he did something that he shouldn’t. He was just playing, he really was, but Youngjae doesn’t get to play. He doesn’t get to have simple things like this, not when he is working for someone who wants to destroy Jaebeom. Not when he is doing it all for money. 

His dumb heart doesn’t seem to get that though. He keeps telling himself it was a mistake and he will never do anything like that again and yet his heart keeps beating so fast he is sure the loudness will be noticeable pretty soon. He stands so close to Jaebeom even though he doesn’t mean to do that and he has to say something so he won’t hear how hard he is breathing. 

“Thanks for the food, Ahjussi. It was delicious,” and it really was. But Youngjae isn’t thinking about the food anymore. He can only think about Jaebeom and how happy he was tonight. “Good night,” he says at last and gets inside his place so he won’t give his body a chance to do something dumb. 

Inside his place, Youngjae strips to his underwear, drinks some really cold water to try and calm down, and finally lies down. He takes his phone, he just wants to hear some of what just happened again. Youngjae reckons that he is getting obsessed with it, and once he has to stop it will be weird but he can’t help he needs to. 

He hears Jaebeom saying that something is pretty, so pretty. It was when he was asleep. The man could be talking about anything, but he wanted it to be about him so bad. Youngjae was never called beautiful, pretty, or handsome. Nothing. He heard he was hot a few times when people hit on him but that was it. He wanted to be called pretty, so even if it wasn’t about him Youngjae closed his eyes and pretended it was. 

The next day Youngjae does his work, goes back to reality, and checks everything he might have missed. He sees the text Jaebeom received that made Bambam laugh. 

_ ‘Maybe tonight is the night you will fall in love again’  _

“Yeah...” Youngjae sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- pls don't misunderstand i have other things to do im just not doing shit 
> 
> \- btw this youngjae is my entire life someone talks shit about him and they seeing these fists


	6. I'm a ruin (part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21 years old youngjae, pov from chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :) it has been a while but for me it feels like it has been even longer...

“Aren’t you scared, because I’m terrified,” Bambam asks for the thousandth time. His friend was completely against his plan to blackmail Mark, but he knew he couldn’t convince Youngjae otherwise. Now that the boy had already talked to the man, he kept checking with Youngjae if he wasn’t afraid Mark would retaliate. Of course he would. 

“I’m not. We have gone over this over and over again, Mark is the one who should be scared of me,” Youngjae tries to sound convincing even though he wasn’t as confident as he was before he confronted the man. 

It was true that he could ruin Mark’s life and that he knew the man wasn’t going to risk everything he had even his freedom for a position in the company. Youngjae wouldn’t only ruin his marriage, but he could end up in jail for tax evasion. He also had proof that Mark was the one paying him to spy and hack all those men. If he were to report Youngjae he would also go down. Youngjae has explained that to Bambam as he had also explained it to Mark. 

Sure, he tried to intimidate Mark, showing him all the proof, documents, audios, and videos he had against the man. And he knew it worked, but it doesn’t mean Youngjae was so sure of himself and of his plan anymore. 

At first, Mark thought he was just trying to get more money from him, but when he realized Youngjae wasn’t playing and he wouldn’t allow him to do anything to Jaebeom, the man lost it. He threatened Youngjae in every possible way, saying he would destroy his life and everything he could ever have, nothing that would scare Youngjae off and make him back away though. But when Mark said he would take away the only thing Youngjae cared for he finally understood that he wasn’t so safe. 

Mark could still take Jaebeom away from him, he could still do it without putting himself at risk and Youngjae knew exactly how. He knew Mark would tell on him to Jaebeom sooner or later, not about the spying but about the person he really was. Youngjae couldn’t do anything about it, if he decided to expose Mark then both of them would go to jail. He could only secure Jaebeom wouldn’t find out about him hacking his way into his life, he couldn’t do anything about his past. 

“And it’s not like I had an option, I’m already too deep into this…” Youngjae mumbles looking down at his phone. There is nothing there. He is dying to hear whatever Jaebeom is doing right now, though he promised he would stop listening to the man now that Mark was out of the way he decided to wait just for a little while. There were things he still needed to make sure of before he was completely out of Jaebeom’s life. 

It seems like Bambam doesn’t understand what he means by having no option but then he looks as exasperated as he has been the past few days. “That’s wrong! You already did so much for him, you didn’t have to do this as well. You are so frustrating, I’m so scared for you, but you don’t even care about yourself!” 

“I love him,” it’s not as impactful as Youngjae thought it would be once he finally said it out loud. It’s not like he didn’t know it and it’s not like Bambam couldn’t tell it already either. 

“Don’t you say,” Bambam tsks, he still looks annoyed and worried, but he gives Youngjae a small smile. “I know you are in love and that’s a first for you and all, but bro you don’t need to prove it by finding your way into being jailed for life,”

“I just want him to be happy, that’s all,” Youngjae knows it sounds pathetic, knows he shouldn’t have gone this far but now it’s too late to rethink his decisions. He won’t sleep at night because of how anxious this is all making him, but he doesn’t regret it either. “I know your worried, Bam, but as long as my Ahjussi is happy, I’ll be fine,”

“You sound like you are in a drama, Hyung,” Youngjae laughs at that even though there is no humor to it. “Seriously, I think you should run away, go to a remote place where no one can find you. You still have some money, right?”

“Are you seriously suggesting this?” This time Youngjae really finds it funny but Bambam is clearly being serious. “It will be fine, I was thinking and in like two years or so I can make it look like a mistake and not like someone falsified Ed’s results,” 

“You think? You aren’t even sure?” Bambam is pulling at his hair now, none of them paying attention to the TV in front of them. 

Youngjae understands why his friend is so worried, nothing he is saying makes things look better for him. But Youngjae has taken it all into consideration, he was well aware he shouldn’t be playing with someone like Mark, and he was even more aware that he shouldn’t tamper with numbers from a global organization. Still, Youngjae decided to do it all anyway. He decided it was worth it. 

He didn’t tell Bambam beforehand about what he did to the documents from the company where Seolhyun’s husband worked. Youngjae for the first time since they became friends did something behind his back. But he knew Bambam would never agree with it, and he also didn’t want his friend to get into trouble because of him in any way. 

Youngjae made sure Ed’s results were perfect, made sure his company would have no one else in mind for the job, that they would relocate him to the United States just so Jaebeom could finally be with his daughter. He wasn’t dumb, he knew it was riskier than spying on ordinary men, that this would be his end if anyone found out. But the truth was that Youngjae didn’t have anything else to care for but Jaebeom. 

He has never been in love before, he has heard countless times that people do stupid things when they were in love that they end up regretting later on. But Youngjae couldn’t see himself regretting this or anything he could ever do for Jaebeom. Though he has never experienced this feeling before Youngjae has been through too many things in his life, he knows he won’t ever love and care for someone like he does with Jaebeom again. That he is it for him. And that he is worth everything. 

Youngjae will do anything to assure Jaebeom is happy. He feels so sorry for him, so sorry for the turns his life took, but just being sorry wouldn’t be enough for it all to happen. If Youngjae didn’t love Jaebeom the way he does if he didn’t care for the man more than anything else he wouldn’t be doing any of this. 

So, Youngjae can admit, only to himself that he is scared. But he is only scared of what Mark will tell Jaebeom, of when it will happen. He can feel he is about to lose Jaebeom, that it’s near, and it scares the shit out of him. But he isn’t scared of what might happen to himself. It doesn’t matter to him. 

Youngjae tries to not make it clear to Bambam that he doesn’t care that much about what happens to him but it’s not like it’s hard to notice. They have another argument yet again, Youngjae knows his friends means well so he never snaps at him, but it doesn’t help much. He thinks it’s better if he goes home before they get into a real fight. 

On his way home, Youngjae guiltily plugs in his earphones to listen to Jaebeom. It’s just that he is a little nervous about the argument, Bambam is the only person with whom he never fights. He needs to listen to Jaebeom’s voice, to whatever he is doing. So, for the last time, Youngjae will allow himself to listen to the man without a purpose. 

The first thing Youngjae hears isn’t Jaebeom’s voice, he didn’t expect a conversation at all, but Jaebeom is talking to someone and surprisingly it isn’t Bomi. Youngjae recognizes Jaebeom’s best friends’ voices easily. He hasn’t heard them in a while but Youngjae has become really good at recognizing people’s voices over the past year. 

“Are you really going to ruin someone’s youth because you think you are so in love with them?” He can hear Jinyoung asking. Youngjae doesn’t understand what he is talking about, but before he can think too much into it Jaebeom starts speaking and it’s like they are all talking over each other. 

“Ruin his youth?” It’s Jaebeom and he sounds sad as if he is on the verge of tears. Youngjae has learned to recognize it as well too. 

Now he is even more desperate to understand what they are talking about, to find out why Jaebeom sounds so miserable. Youngjae wants more than anything to go back and listen to the conversation from the beginning but he decides to wait. Then Jinyoung starts saying Jaebeom is being selfish and unfair to someone younger, Youngjae doesn’t need to be a genius to get that they are talking about him. And the talk about the age difference and about the way their lives are different. It becomes pretty easy for Youngjae to get a grasp of the situation. 

Youngjae feels happy just for a second, Jinyoung keeps talking about Jaebeom being in love and the man doesn’t deny it, not even once. But then his eyes are filled with tears, Jaebeom is agreeing with his friend and he even assures him he will put an end to things between him and Youngjae. It’s not like Youngjae didn’t know it was near the end, but hearing it makes things way too real. 

Jaebeom has given up and he hasn't even found out about Youngjae’s past yet. 

He heard Jaebeom denying to have any feelings for him before, this time he didn’t. He didn’t deny it and Youngjae can’t even be happy about it. He has never had any kind of love directed at him. Not like this. It doesn’t feel like he has it now either. 

Youngjae gives up on any pretense of pretending his heart isn’t in pieces. He tries to hold his tears but it only makes him sob loudly, he can’t even keep walking anymore. He slides his body to the ground sitting against the bridge railing, now no matter how hard Youngjae tries to stop crying he just can’t do it. Youngjae is sure this is one of the worst pains he has ever felt in his life, it hurts his chest, it physically hurts him. He sobs so hard, people passing by look at him weirdly but all he can do is cry hugging himself. 

He keeps hearing Jaebeom’s voice promising to let go of him. Youngjae can never let go of Jaebeom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -this is a way to give some answers, some people were asking about mark so... even if it's a bit confusing it's not like im not gonna talk about it on tlo so...  
> \- i was on a 2jae vibe so hard i wanted to write them, so i came here to write their date... but i had to write this first i didn't think the date should be in this chapter... so i will write the date next and it won't be long... i want to write them together so bad :((((  
> \- anyways this all existed in my head for a long time but me writing it.. youngjae dumb and dramatic grbinvfdksm still i cant change it he loves a lot :xxxx  
> bye


	7. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21 yo youngjae, again pov from chap 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got some comments asking for this, it's not that good you gays but if you asked you are obligated to like it bye

It was not the first time Youngjae had thought of doing it, in fact, he has written many notes that he would take home with himself not even wanting to trash them at work worried someone would see it. But, being realistic it was just a way for him to imagine different scenarios in his head, he never really considered the idea of handing any of the notes over to Jaebeom. 

Now, he was sitting at his desk looking at the last note he just wrote, he already wrote three since he got to the office, but had put them away. This one was as simple as the other ones, it had nothing special, Youngjae drew a little heart at the end just to distract himself and to have more time to consider things over. 

He cried all night, he knew he only had two more days at the company and that Mark would also have a meeting about being reallocated on the next day. So, Youngjae was decided to do something about Jaebeom. The man told him about not just leaving without a goodbye, it would be a goodbye even if he didn’t know about it. This time Youngjae was doing it for both of them, because he knew he owed Jaebeom some kind of farewell but also because he wanted to have something beautiful to keep with him after they parted ways. 

Youngjae knew Jaebeom would not want to see him again once he found out about his past. It was something he didn’t even try to have hopes about, Jaebeom wouldn’t be that forgiving. No one has ever been forgiving with him. So, after all the crying he did last night Youngjae also did something thinking. 

He wanted them to go on a date, and it was a possibility that Jaebeom wouldn’t even agree with it. Youngjae should try. It’s not like he will have a chance to do so in the future. It’s not like he can come to the office another day and write more notes. This is it. 

Without letting his anxiety get the best of him, Youngjae walks to Jaebeom’s desk, he doesn’t look at anyone on his way. It’s not like he has to take many steps but even if he does as much as look to the side he will lose his courage. 

Jaebeom is concentrated on the computer screen in front of him and he doesn’t even move. Youngjae stands behind him for a long minute ‘till the man seems to finally sense him there and turns around. Youngjae gives him a small smile, he is super anxious, and he is still hurt about what he heard last night, but just being near Jaebeom makes him happy. The boy knows he will be more hurt in the future, but right now being able to hold on to the last few moments he has with Jaebeom makes things less bad. 

While he watches the older man read the note, Youngjae goes through a huge mix of feelings. It’s such a short note but it feels like Jaebeom takes years to read it. The urge to run away or to even take the note back from Jaebeom and pretend nothing happened makes him dizzy, but he also loves seeing the soft blush taking over his face. 

Youngjae’s legs are shaking and his limbs feel funny. He never felt like this because of someone else. Though the sensations are taking over his entire body, Youngjae doesn’t let any of it show. When Jaebeom doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look back at him, just stares at the note, the boy snaps his fingers right at his face, too anxious to wait any longer. Then he is finally rewarded with the full sight of Jaebeom’s blush and shocked face. 

Even if Jaebeom says ‘no’ to him, even if he thinks this is a crazy idea and he is determined to end things with the boy, Youngae thinks it was worth it. He tried, so it was worth it. 

“I don’t--,” Jaebeom starts, Youngjae even waits for him to finish but nothing comes. 

“Sorry, Director-nim, but this person is very demanding and busy and they won’t accept a reschedule, so it has to be tonight,” it’s the only chance he has, Youngjae tells himself once again and smiles at Jaebeom. It might have been a low blow, he knows Jaebeom doesn’t tell him ‘no’ very easily, and that he sort of has a soft spot for Youngjae, but right now he will try anything he needs to. 

It works. Youngjae can’t believe it works. Jaebeom agrees to go out with him, and no matter what he says it will be a date. Youngjae feels like jumping in celebration, he is jumping on the inside. 

Youngjae spends the whole day with his heart beating like crazy, he even became worried not knowing if that was normal for his heartbeat to be that erratic. He can only imagine how it will be tonight. To the sake of giving Jaebeom a good date night, he ignores his heart and researches for dates’ ideas. It’s not that they are bad, but taking Jaebeom to a restaurant wouldn’t be something special, they have done it a lot in a non-romantic way already, and all the other things he doesn’t have money or the means to do. 

When he sees ‘picnic’ on the list, Youngae is already decided. There are a bunch of tips on how to make it unforgettable, Youngjae ignores all of them. It will be unforgettable for him anyway, and he would like to just do things in a way he knows will make both of them have a good time being together. That will be enough. 

Jaebeom looks his way every once in a while, Youngjae wants to laugh, he looks nervous and it’s cute. 

Before his shift is over Youngjae takes his things and leaves. He wants to buy the stuff they will eat and to get ready. It’s not like he puts lots of thoughts on his clothes, but tonight he will. Sure, just the jeans and the jacket are pretty simple, but looking at the mirror Youngjae thinks he looks kinda good. 

He doesn’t know to which extent Jaebeom really likes him. He didn’t deny being in love with Youngjae, but he still can’t be sure. Plus, he doesn’t know if the other is attracted to him. So, he doesn’t know if Jaebeom will think he looks good or not, still, he gotta try. 

Youngjae feels weird for a bit, staring at himself and thinking about how stupid it is that he knows nothing will come out from this, that he has no chance but he still worries about Jaebeom being attracted to him or not. As if it matters. He does his best to shake the feeling away, it shouldn’t matter right now. 

“Just enjoy it for tonight, Youngjae-yah,” he cheers himself up before he finally leaves his house. Youngjae is early and he keeps shaking his legs in the backseat of the taxi, he doesn’t usually take cabs, even the way to Jaebeom’s place makes him anxious. 

The building Jaebeom lived in was very expensive, he doesn’t know what he expected nor why he was so surprised with it. Being so early Youngjae can’t help feeling anxious and self-conscious standing there waiting for the right time to call the other. People bypassing him look expensive themselves, Youngjae wants to hide from them. He waits for ten minutes but when he checks his phone and he still has thirty minutes more to wait, Youngjae almost cries getting angry at himself for not waiting a little more at home. 

But Youngjae couldn’t wait anymore, he would combust if he did. So, he called Jaebeom, and to his surprise, the man didn’t have a problem coming down right at that moment. And he got there so quickly, Youngjae was sure he was already ready when he called. It makes him less flustered.

They stared at each other for a long time, at least it felt like a long time. Jaebeom looked warm, approachable, and also very hot, he didn’t look like a cold businessman, Youngjae knew he wasn’t like that, but seeing him looking like that and all to go out with him was enough for his heart to try to break free from his chest once again. Within every second of Jaebeom’s never-ending gaze Youngjae grew more and more anxious, he wanted to look down and check his outfit but he was sure nothing was out of place. 

Youngjae shook his head firmly, the discomfort probably visible on his face as he walked up to Jaebeom ready to end this staring game. 

“Why are we taking a taxi? I can drive us,” Jaebeom asked as Youngjae pulled him to the taxi. He didn’t care to explain why but he has seen enough movies in his life, and he has come up to the conclusion that if it’s their first date and he was the one who asked he should be the one taking Jaebeom to their destination even if he couldn’t drive. 

Youngjae makes sure to sit as close to Jaebeom as the seats will allow them, forgetting completely about the driver even being there. He compliments Jaebeom on his outfit because he really looks good. And even if he is not that attractive to the older man, Jaebeom for sure is very attractive to Youngjae. He has spent a good amount of hours thinking about them together, thinking about a lot of things that kinda made him hot even remembering about it. 

The boy is thankful for the darkness surrounding them, so he can take Jaebeom’s hand on his without having to worry about the man seeing how utterly embarrassed it makes him as well. This isn’t something Youngjae ever did, he has been through a lot of things in his life, things he doesn’t think he should have lived at such a young age. But things like this, holding someone’s hand at the back of a car, that has never happened, it was something that he thinks was ordinary to most people but was new to him. And it was exciting. 

The way Jaebeom’s hands are soft and delicate. Youngjae stares at them, he can make out the lines of the hand he is holding and even that feels like too much to him. He wants to hold on to the soft small hand forever, if they stay in this car for all eternity and all Youngjae gets to do is hold his hand it will be a good way to be stuck in with this life. 

When they get out of the taxi Youngjae is sad about letting go of the man. But it’s fine since he is ecstatic about being there with Jaebeom. Youngjae has never put a lot of thoughts on dates, he would see couples together at the Han River and he wouldn’t even think about it, he was never jealous of them. It was just now that he wanted it for himself as well because now it was about Jaebeom. 

“Let’s ride a bike,” he said excitedly because that was how he felt, excited and happy. 

“It’s been a long time since I rode a bike, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Jaebeom doesn’t sound half as excited as Youngjae feels. 

“Are you saying I had a bad choice for a date? Come on, Ahjussi, you don’t have to act like a dying old man all the time,” he tries to mask it, but Youngjae is actually a little nervous about it being the wrong choice. About it all being too simple.

Jaebeom has been to a lot of dates in his life, or so he thinks, this was probably the less impressive one so far. It made Youngjae feel bad but he couldn’t be too fixed over it. It would be good, no matter what he had to make it good. 

Sure enough, it was good. When he was a kid Youngjae only got to ride Moonbin’s bike and later when he was sent to the orphanage he could only ride it twice a month in a small area. He missed it so much, Youngjae really loved riding a bike, his mind would be free, he didn’t need to think about anything. He couldn’t stop smiling and calling for Jaebeom to pedal faster. 

He can see it when Jaebeom starts having fun as well, it’s relieving, it makes it even easier for Youngjae to pedal without worrying about it being a bad date. It’s just him and Jaebeom riding the bikes with the river by their sides. 

“Let’s rest,” Youngjae concedes when he notices how Jaebeom has turned red and is out of breath. Even though Youngjae is tired too, he could do it for hours and hours. 

He packed not just food and wine, but also water, he knew they would be thirsty. He hands the water to Jaebeom who drinks it and Youngjae feels a little creepy watching him, but he doesn’t stop. He just wants to take everything he can in. And Jaebeom looks very hot right now, that’s all Youngjae can think about. 

Youngjae takes advantage of every opportunity he gets to hold Jaebeom’s hand, they walk to the grass to eat and it’s so peaceful. It looks peaceful as if it’s something ordinary for them even though it isn’t. On the inside though it’s not so peaceful, Youngjae feels so nervous, he just wants Jaebeom to enjoy things tonight. To be happy there with him.

It’s easier to enjoy it when they start drinking and all Youngjae can do is stare at the man, he is nervous but he is so content. Looking at the way Jaebeom’s eyes shine and how he mocked his bags of Doritos but is still eating happily, it all just makes Youngjae’s heart full of love. 

As he looks at Jaebeom giving him genuine smiles Youngjae really wished he could tell the man he loves him. Just for the sake of it. Just so Jaebeom could know how loved he is. But he knows things between them aren’t like that. 

The only thing he makes sure of is to call their date a ‘date’. He doesn’t care what Jaebeom says and he doesn’t care that the man doesn’t want anything to do with him because of their age gap. He wants to have a date with Jaebeom and he will keep saying it’s a date ‘till he stops protesting. 

When he suggests for them to talk about themselves it’s not because he thinks that’s a first date thing, he doesn’t care if it is or not. Youngjae just wants to know simple things about Jaebeom, wants to know things the other wants to share with him. He wants to forget about the stuff he heard with no permission and to just hear him talk about things he feels like talking about. 

It’s just Jaebeom telling him about his favorite food and color, what he likes to do in his free time, what he would have liked to do if he wasn’t an accountant. Every little piece of information Jaebeom gives him Youngjae pays enormous attention to, he will keep it all with him. Even knowing more about his friends and family is enjoyable for Youngjae. He wished he had more time to know everything, to find out everything about Jaebeom. 

Out of nowhere, Jaebeom says it’s time to go. He uses his meeting as an excuse, Youngjae knows well about the meeting. Mark has broken his old phone so Youngjae couldn’t listen to him anymore, but Youngjae still had access to his computer and emails. He could still listen to his office as well. So, he knew Mark had already printed the information he had on him and would tell Jaebeom, probably by tomorrow. 

It was so predictable, Youngjae knew he would do that. He wasn’t surprised at all, he just dreaded the moment it would happen. He didn’t want it to come so soon. 

He ignored that Jaebeom wanted to leave and just lied right there in the grass, resting his head on the man’s lap. It felt domestic, almost as if they were in his single room but this time he was the one resting against Jaebeom. Youngjae just wanted to be close to him like this, just for a little longer. 

“I know,” he admits, not caring to explain how he knows about the meeting. “Last question though, what makes you happy, Ahjussi?” This was not an empty question. It was not just because he wanted to remember it. 

Youngjae wouldn’t be listening to Jaebeom’s voice anymore. He wouldn’t be checking on him every second of the day. Youngjae would love him the same but he wouldn’t be there anymore. The only thing he wanted was to assure Jaebeom would be happy. Everything he was doing, literally everything, was for him to be happy. 

“This,” Jaebeom says softly and it makes Youngjae want to cry. Instead, he smiles up at Jaebeom, closing his eyes in the process so the man won’t see the pain in them. 

The only thing Youngjae can’t give to Jaebeom is ‘this’, this moment, them together. He can’t give any of it to Jaebeom. 

Youngjae reminds himself that in less than 24 hours it won’t matter, Jaebeom won’t want to be with him anymore. He hugs Jaebeom at the entrance of the man’s apartment building. This is the only thing Youngjae can have, he feels the warmth of Jaebeom’s body in his veins. It takes everything on him to let go of him and go back to his cold room. 

Even though Youngjae shows up at the office to take his things the next day, he didn’t mean to stay. He stays just long enough to look at Jaebeom one last time and to have the man look back at him. It was the last time their eyes would meet and it didn’t even last long enough. He would be out of Jaebeom’s life the moment the man entered the meeting room. And then he did. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gays there are some stuff going on rn pls wait for more updates patiently.. and pls support got7’s comeback a lot 😾


	8. that's enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pov from chapter 6 :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :) hope everyone is doing well and is healty, happy almost end of the year  
> honestly i hope whoever reads it will enjoy.. so many people wanted to read this from baby's pov so here it is ! i enjoyed writing it a lot too tho i missed them or whatever

“Youngjae-yah, today I was happy… When I was up there and I looked into your eyes, I was so happy,” Youngjae closes his eyes as he holds his legs to his chest and listens to Jaebeom’s soft voice over and over again. That’s enough. Knowing that Jaebeom was happy even for a short moment was enough for Youngjae. 

He knows why the man has been avoiding him, he only understood it later, at first Youngjae thought it was just him being busy. But soon enough he figured out that Jaebeom saw him and Mark talking in the parking garage. Youngjae isn’t sure what is going through Jaebeom’s head but he knows it can’t be good if it makes the man avoid him the way he is doing. 

It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like Jaebeom would be totally wrong in his assumptions, Youngjae is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. So, Youngjae won’t take offense at Jaebeom thinking badly of him, he is right to do so. It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts though, Youngjae wants to be near Jaebeom so badly. Just that, just being close to him, but he can’t. 

He wouldn’t know how to explain to the other what he has to do with Mark. Youngjae also thinks it might be the easiest way out of this mess. Mark is pressing him to find something on Jaebeom, something good enough to have him fired and not only to get in the way of his promotion. He is also refusing to give Youngjae any money before he gives the man anything, which leads to Youngjae being beaten up by Moonbin frequently. Youngjae knows it’s just a weak excuse, Moonbin would beat him no matter what but if he doesn’t have how to pay it’s the perfect opportunity for the other boy. 

Youngjae has been looking for a way to stop caring for Jaebeom, to distance himself from him. His initial plan was to just find something on Jaebeom and get the job done, then he realized that getting close to the man would make things easier for him. Youngjae wasn’t trying to befriend him, he only thought that it would be helpful if they hung out once in a while and maybe he would find something on him like that. Then he realized he liked Jaebeom way too much to do anything that could hurt him. 

So, Youngjae knew that if he wanted to finish this job and free himself from Moonbin he had to take Jaebeom completely out of his life. It wasn’t something he could do on his own though, Jaebeom avoiding him and being mad at him would be helpful. Youngjae loved Jaebeom way too much to be the one ending things between them. Youngjae really thought that would be his best chance. He thought that he would be able to even make up something that could ruin Jaebeom’s career. Not hurt Jaebeom, only his career. 

But it obviously wasn’t the case. Instead of working on a plan against the man, Youngjae was in the storage room, feeling terrible and just so, so lonely. He didn’t want to do anything to Jaebeom, he just wanted to be with him, in any way he could possibly be with him. Youngjae was decided to start working on something, but not now. Now he just wanted to listen to Jaebeom’s voice. Jaebeom’s soft honey voice directed at him. When he said he was happy and it was because of Youngjae, the boy didn’t want to lose it just yet. 

He feels like crying, listening to the same sentence over and over again when he feels something warm on his shoulder. Youngjae would jump if he had the strength to do so, he is so startled it takes him two long seconds to realize it’s Jaebeom sitting there with him. 

“What are you doing here, Ahjussi?” Youngjae mumbles the words slowly, it’s surprising even for him to hear how broken he sounds. 

“I… I was looking for you. Are you okay?” Jaebeom’s voice is so soft as well, but nothing like in the audio file though. 

“Yes,” Youngae lies, he doesn’t plan to tell the truth, but he knows it’s a weak lie. Jaebeom won’t believe him and on top of that Youngjae doesn’t want to stay here and has to explain to him anything. He doesn’t want Jaebeom to acknowledge the current emotional distance between them. “I mean, not really, I’m feeling a bit off, to be honest,”

“Youngjae-ssi, if you are not feeling alright you need to go home. Your health comes first,” Jaebeom assures him he can leave and that he can ask him for anything if he needs it. It makes Youngjae feel even more guilty than he already is. 

“Right. I’ll go then, I’m really not feeling it today,” he tries to give Jaebeom a reassuring smile but he knows he can’t do it right now. He just needs to leave this office already, to put even more distance between him and Jaebeom so he won’t do anything he would regret later. 

Youngjae jumps at the opportunity, not even looking at Jaebeom. If he did that he wouldn’t be able to leave him. The boy gets home soon enough, and just like he is getting used to these days his place is trashed again. It’s the way Moonbin finds to get to Youngjae when he is not hitting him. Sometimes he will threaten his sister, but that’s as far as he will go. The only person he really hurts is Youngjae, and when he can’t take his anger on him he will do that to Youngjae’s stuff. 

That’s what tires Youngjae the most. Cleaning the house and making it liveable again isn’t exactly the problem, but Moonbin is always destroying the little he has and even his food. Youngjae is tired of getting home to no food and to have to be grateful he hasn’t been beaten instead. He isn’t grateful at all, he just wants it to stop. Youngjae wants to get home to a nice place, to be able to rest and eat the food he likes, to feel safe. He doesn’t want much, he just wants to be at peace for once in his life. 

After he is done putting things in place Youngjae lies on his mattress thinking about how he could have ended this already. If only he would work properly for Mark, it all would be over a long time ago. He just needs to create a scandal about Jaebeom’s personal life, it wouldn’t even be that bad. Jaebeom would be fine, Youngjae is the one who isn’t fine. 

But no matter how Youngjae looks at it he can’t do anything against Jaebeom. He is used to people feeling sorry for him and sparing him some help for a while, he never had someone truly caring for him and sticking around. That’s how it feels like with Jaebeom. Youngjae feels as if he cares for him as if Jaebeom isn’t just sorry for how shitty his life is. He doesn’t even know the extent of how bad Youngjae’s life is anyway. 

Youngjae is used to being selfish, he wouldn’t feel sorry for Jaebeom either. Not because Jaebeom was cheated on and is pathetically lonely, living for his job and nothing else. Youngjae has met even more pitiful people, he never felt pity towards anyone. The difference is that he cares for Jaebeom. He cares whether he is happy or not, he cares for Jaebeom’s wishes and for what he wants in life. Youngjae can’t just take what he needs and let Jaebeom be screwed over. 

No matter how much it would change Youngjae’s life, he can’t see himself doing it to Jaebeom. It’s too difficult to make up his mind though. Youngjae wished he didn’t have to, wished he could just stop. Stop being hurt by others and stop hurting the person he loves the most. It’s too tiring.

Ever since Youngjae can remember it has been like this. He thinks the things he has lived in this life shouldn’t be lived by just one person alone in just one life. He should catch a break, he should be allowed to live a good life at least this once. It makes Youngjae cry. He really just wants it to stop. He can’t move and he can’t even gather his strength to try and find something to eat.

The only strength Youngjae has is directed to cry. He doesn’t mean to sleep but he is so tired he cries himself to sleep, and the next day he can’t bring himself to move and go to work. He just lies there staring at the ceiling ‘till he can fall asleep again. 

Youngjae spends most of the weekend sleeping or crying, he listens to Jaebeom a few times but weirdly it just makes him feel more tired. Usually, listening to Jaebeom lifts his mood or at least gives him some will to keep going. It’s not working now though. He hears Jaebeom saying his name and talking about being worried about him, it doesn’t help at all. Youngjae is tired of hearing the way Jaebeom talks about him and how he always denies any feeling towards the boy. 

It’s not like Youngjae expected Jaebeom to love him back, but he doesn’t want to hear the contrary either. He just wants it all to stop at once. The only way Youngjae finds to make it stop is by staying at home and not talking to anyone. He has to go out to buy food but it’s the most Youngjae can do. Other than that he just sleeps and tries to ignore his thoughts. 

Youngjae knows he can’t ignore his life forever, knows soon or later Moonbin will show up and do something to him. He also doesn’t have any more money to buy food or anything really. He will have to go back to work, but for as long as he can do it Youngjae will stay there, won’t move, won’t exist. 

His plan was going well ‘till someone started knocking at his door. Youngjae knew it wasn’t Moonbin so he decided to just ignore it, it wouldn’t be hard. The only problem with ignoring the knocking was that it wouldn’t go away. It was a better option to shove out whoever was there and then go back to sleep. What he didn’t expect was to find Jaebeom there, maybe he should have expected but he was sure Jaebeom didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and wouldn’t leave work just to check on Youngjae. 

“What?” He asks, voice lacking any kind of emotion. Youngjae turns back inside going straight to his mattress. He wouldn’t be able to tell Jaebeom to leave but he can’t face him either, Youngjae’s feelings are all over the place. He would just end up crying and asking for Jaebeom’s help. 

Youngjae uses his blanket to cover himself from head to toe. He knows Jaebeom is closer to him now because his voice is low and is coming from his side, he keeps making questions that Youngjae only answers by shaking his head. He feels childish and stupid acting this way but he can’t help it. 

Jaebeom stays quiet for a while, it’s almost peaceful but then he confesses to being worried about Youngjae. Of course he is, Jaebeom is a good person so he worries about Youngjae. 

“I’m just tired,” Youngjae admits, he should stop there but he feels so lonely. He hopes Jaebeom can hear and understand him, “I’m just so tired, I don’t want to keep doing it,”

“You don’t have to, if it’s something that is hurting you, you don’t have to continue with it, Youngjae-yah,” Jaebeom says and it’s exactly the kind of thing Youngjae should expect from Jaebeom. Still, it’s what makes him cry again. That’s all Youngjae wants, to stop, to not hurt Jaebeom anymore, and to live a good life, but he knows it isn’t a possibility. 

“There’s nothing I can do, Ahjussi. I feel so tired of all of this, it’s as if I’ve been alive for so long as if I’ve had so many lives already. I feel like I am hundreds and hundreds of years old and I can never get free from this,” Youngjae has never been so honest with Jaebeom, or with anyone, but he is too tired to keep a pretense.

“It’s okay, even if it’s difficult now, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay, we can make this one life a little better than the past ones, yeah?” Youngjae would smile at how cute Jaebeom sounds, he is worried but he is doing his best to help. He can’t smile though, he is struggling with his tears. He hopes Jaebeom doesn’t notice it. 

He feels Jaebeom patting his hair, it’s nice but then he is caressing his head, and it feels so lovely, Youngjae cries even harder. He is in love with Jaebeom, and he feels so cared for, it doesn’t matter if Jaebeom doesn’t love him back, Youngjae is grateful for what he can get. 

They don’t speak anymore, Youngjae stops crying in what feels like a lifetime later. He doesn’t want to move or say anything though, scared he will make Jaebeom stop his ministrations on his hair. It doesn’t matter though, after a while Jaebeom removes his hand and Youngjae can hear some noise. He supposes Jaebeom will leave but soon enough he hears Jaebeom next to him again. 

Youngjae waits for him to do something, to say something, or even play with his hair again but it never comes. It takes a while for the boy to be brave enough and push the blanket off him, but he and he is met with a sleeping Jaebeom, mouth slightly open and hands interlocked over his stomach. 

Jaebeom has slept at his place before, it’s not the first time Youngjae can watch him sleep. But this time he feels warm all over, more than he ever did. Youngjae was still tired from all the crying and his life was still terrible, he didn’t want it anymore, nothing changed so quickly. But being there with Jaebeom, being allowed to be close to him, really close in every way it felt huge for Youngjae. 

No, he wouldn’t give up on it. 

The boy moves closer to Jaebeom, he rests his hands over the man’s chest and his face over them. He never looked at Jaebeom this up close, now he could look and stare at every little detail of the man’s face. Everything about him was so beautiful, Youngjae has never seen someone so beautiful in his life. He doubts anyone can be as beautiful as him. He wants to touch his nose, his lips, the line of his eyebrows, over his moles and eyes but he won’t do it. He just stares. 

Even though Youngjae stares for a long time his heart never calms down, hours go by with it feeling like it will beat strongly enough and get free from Youngjae’s chest at any second. Whenever Youngjae discovers a new detail on Jaebeom’s face it goes wild again. He should stop it before Jaebeom wakes up, but Youngjae wants to see how he looks when he wakes up so badly, he can’t bring himself to stop looking. 

He allows himself to touch Jaebeom’s hand, it is very warm and soft on his own hand. Youngjae likes how they fit together, likes the way the skin over the man’s wrist feels against his fingertips. It’s not the first time he gets to touch it but this time he can really enjoy how it feels.

Youngjae has no doubts anymore, he can’t hurt Jaebeom, not when he loves everything about the man the way he does. 

It isn’t news to him that he is in love. But it’s as if his heart and even his body realized that he could and would do anything for Jaebeom. No questions asked, no buts, Youngjae will do whatever it takes. He will make sure Jaebeom is happy and living everything he deserves to live. Youngjae is tired, he can’t set himself free, he can make sure Jaebeom is always happy though, that’s all he needs.

When Jaebeom shifts, Youngjae brings his attention back to his face, being rewarded by the sight of Jaebeom opening his eyes and slowly coming back to reality. He looks perfect like this. Soft, maybe a little confused, but without a worry. 

The way Jaebeom looks back at him makes Youngjae feel his entire body burning up. He can’t help but smile down at him. Youngjae is just so happy like this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye


	9. Red socks (part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae's pov from chapter 10 :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of violence

Youngjae was fighting for air, trying to breathe but it was like no oxygen could get past the knot in his throat, he opened his eyes to a dark room having no idea where he was. His lungs were burning, begging him to just breathe but he couldn’t, he felt like he was about to pass out. There were strong arms holding him in place stopping him from moving, from running away, Youngjae wanted to yell but his voice wouldn’t leave his mouth either. He tried to soothe himself as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, just a beam of light that couldn’t help him. 

But the confirmation that he wasn’t at home only made him panic even more, the soft breath at the back of his neck brought Youngjae back to reality. He couldn’t turn around and see the owner of those strong arms but Youngjae knew that sound better than anything in the world. Even with everything being blurry Youngjae was able to recognize it. Slowly he was able to breathe properly again. 

“Ahjussi?” The boy whispered but his raspy voice got lost, not making it even to his own ears. Still, the soft and slow breath coming from the other person cuddling him was something Youngjae has listened to for many months. He fell asleep to it countless times, and he was sure he would never mistake Jaebeom’s breath for anyone else’s. 

Little by little Youngjae’s memories from the day came back to him, not being as foggy as when he woke up startled. He was with Jaebeom in the countryside, they came with Bomi, he tells himself, still trying to make sense of things. He also remembers the dream, the nightmare he just had. Everything was burning around him, he was trapped and had nowhere to go while Moonbin was laughing at him as he watched Youngjae crying for help. 

It wasn’t real, it felt real but it wasn’t. Youngjae was safe, now that his senses had come back to him he could feel how Jaebeom’s hand rested against his lower stomach, it was warm and it gave him a strange sense of belonging. He rested one of his hands on top of Jaebeom’s, and it helped the anxiety to leave his body bit by bit, making his entire body relax. 

Everything was fine, Youngjae was fine, he was safe and he was with his Ahjussi, no one could touch him there. It has been a while since he dreamed something so scary since it was so realistic as well. It has also been a while since Moonbin did anything to him, last time Youngjae thought he was going to get killed. Moonbin hit him for so long that night, Youngjae thinks he was passed out for most of it. He couldn’t open his right eye for days after it.

The bruises lingered in his body for a long time, Youngjae was sure he would get new ones soon but then Jaebeom showed up and Moonbin never tried anything again. Most of the nights Youngjae was scared to sleep by himself, just like when he was a kid every little noise would scare him to death. But nothing. Nothing followed the last assault. It scared Youngjae even more and maybe Moonbin knew that and that’s why he was doing it. 

The more he stayed away the more Youngjae dreaded the moment he would look for him again. It was never a good thing, a long time without seeing Moonbin or even hearing from him was not a good thing. And Youngjae has been worrying about it for weeks now, that must be why he saw him in his dream. The reality he found himself in was so different though, the warmth coming from Jaebeom’s body was almost overwhelming, the hold the other had on him almost suffocating. 

And still, Youngjae didn’t want to move a centimeter away from him. It was reassuring to be like this with him, as much as Youngjae wasn’t used to any of his touches they were the only thing keeping him sane. Every time the boy thought of giving up, of running away and letting Jaebeom live his life happily without him the man would kiss him, hold him or even just touch his hands slightly and it was enough for him to want to stay. 

Maybe it was selfish but Youngjae never got to receive any of this, not the attention nor the loving touches. Maybe it was better for Jaebeom if he didn’t stick around but he couldn’t bring himself to give up on this, Youngjae was allowing himself to be selfish the way he always did but never with Jaebeom. ‘Till recently Youngjae had no idea how starved he was from being touched, but now every time they had any kind of physical contact the boy felt like he would combust. Like his entire body was in flames. And he wanted more. 

Trying to get back to sleep, Youngjae pushed his back against Jaebeom’s chest so he could get more contact as well. They were already touching everywhere but he wanted to be even closer, everywhere. He wanted more everywhere. What Youngjae wasn’t counting on was Jaebeom’s cold feet touching his calves, and this time he almost jumped out of the bed. 

They were like ice touching his burning skin and Jaebeom wouldn’t move it away, Youngjae made his best to move his lower body without ungluing their upper bodies. But he couldn’t fall back asleep knowing how cold Jaebeom’s feet were, he was probably feeling cold all over. Youngjae knew it was hard to be warm and comfortable when one’s feet were that cold, he had spent a few years wearing really thin socks and it was hard for him when he was just resting and not moving. 

So, this time he does his best to move away from Jaebeom even though he doesn’t want to. He was more used to the cold, it was stupidly cold in his place and he didn’t have as many comforters, he was even feeling a little too hot now. Already standing up, Youngjae removed the socks from his feet, it was dark in the room but he could make out most of it now. Could make Jaebeom’s form on the bed, though not his expressions. 

Jaebeom curled his body after Youngjae left the bed, probably a way to fight the cold he was feeling. Youngjae stared at him for longer than necessary, he was just amazed by the fact that he was allowed to be there. Not only allowed, but he has also been invited and he was expected to be with Jaebeom. Jaebeom wanted him there, and it felt surreal. The whole atmosphere made it feel even more like a dream, as if the dream he had earlier was his reality and this was the actual dream. 

But as Jaebeom curled into himself more and more Youngjae snapped out of it not wanting him to be cold for much longer. Youngjae gently uncovered Jaebeom’s feet from the comforter and put the socks on them. It wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be, it wasn’t hard either, but he had to be cautious in order to not wake Jaebeom up. The contrast between Jaebeom’s cold feet and his warm fingers felt nice this time, the thought of taking care of him made Youngjae feel good about himself. 

After he was done with it Youngjae ran back to his spot on the bed. He wasn’t cold or anything, he just missed being in Jaebeom’s arms, and the moment he tried to get in between them again the older man made space for him. He has been all curled but he hugs Youngjae as soon as their bodies make contact. This time Youngjae lies facing him, he wants to make out Jaebeom’s features, wants to learn every detail of his face even though he has already done that many times. 

Youngjae wants to memorize how he looks within different places, lights, moods, and moments. Wants to remember how Jaebeom looked this night, in the dark with only the soft starlight coming from the window brightening his face. It’s almost nothing, almost no light at all but it’s enough to make it look like a movie. Again magical like a dream, as if Jaebeom’s beauty isn’t real. Youngjae kisses his forehead, just a touch of his lips that can’t last more than a second, but Jaebeom smiles in his sleep and that’s enough for him to fall asleep without any fears again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello if ur rich buy me youngjae’s magazine ! 😠🤲

**Author's Note:**

> \- hiii im posting this bc yj's side of things is very intesting to me and i feel like writing it (so it's for me), also i don't think i'll be able to show his life/side 100% in 'tlo' so  
> \- so im gonna be writing scenes from yj's pov and/or off-screen scenes?? lol  
> \- idk when im gonna post but for sure it won't be in chronological order


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